What is Legal Separation?
Legal separation marks a transition of the marriage from being a continuous marital community to two separate, independent lives. To put it simply, it is almost like getting a divorce without actually obtaining one. This is also why LEGAL separation is a misnomer. What you actually obtain through legal separation is a residual amount of your ex-spouse’s right to community property. Your community property and debts are, by law, owned equally by both you and your spouse, making you legally "equal owners" of everything that belongs to the family. LEGAL SEPARATION then divides this relative ownership, returning each party to being the exclusive owner of 50% of everything acquired during the marriage. The main "advantage" of obtaining a legal separation is to freeze the marital assets and debts in time. If you or your spouse is not ready to be divorced for whatever reason , then you can obtain a legal separation and maintain the legal title of the marital estates as well as the associated tax benefits. If there are any disputes between you and your spouse following a separation, you can also bring the issue back to the court and obtain a legally enforceable ruling without having to wait another six months to get through the divorce process. In the Family Code, legal separations are defined as "judgements of legal separation of the parties and restoring to the parties their former names." In other words, there are two components of a legal separation: obtaining a judgement legal separation AND keeping your original name. A legal sepearation breaks up a marriage, but does NOT end a marriage. It is possible to be legally separated and NOT divorced. In fact, you may be legally separated for the rest of your life without ever becoming divorced, as a legal separation defines the rights of both parties and divides the marital assets and debts the same way a divorce does.
Why Reconcile After a Separation?
People may choose to reconcile after legal separation for a variety of reasons. These could be related to emotional attachments, finances, or other factors such as family dynamics.
One common reason is emotional attachment. Couples who decide to separate often do not stop caring about each other right away and there can be a period in which a person feels lonely after the split or misses the warm feelings of having a partner around. The emotional transition to a new way of life with a different living situation can be more abrupt if they are the ones who were forced to leave the marital home and they may attempt to go back if possible.
A person might also attempt to reconcile after legal separation for practical purposes. If finances are an issue, the individual may determine that their standard of living will be diminished without the income of a spouse and try to save the marriage for money reasons. In some cases, people believe that they will save money in the long run if they continue to pay joint bills. In reality, although they may not be paying for the internet connection for the other person any longer, they often spend money on things like alimony or divided expenses.
For people who have children, a lot of issues can arise. A person may reconcile after legal separation to co-parent more effectively, get financial support from their spouse, have their kids spend more time with both parents or have the other parent perform parenting time on their behalf once their living situation causes them to be unavailable.
Furthermore, a person may realize that they are not cut out to be single again. This is a major reason why it is essential to remain living apart for the required period of time to complete a divorce. If a person moves back in with a spouse before the waiting period is over, the court could throw out the request for divorce. Most lawyers recommend at least six months of separation before proceeding with a divorce petition.
Legal Actions Towards Reconciliation
For a couple who has legally separated, the decision to reconcile is one that can have substantial implications. But how do you reverse a legal separation, which in most states is accomplished by filing with the court of jurisdiction as a separate action that can also modify existing orders or terminate them? At some point decisions will be made, documentation filed, and court hearings scheduled that involve other people — including children, family, and even past casts of characters who can shape the course of a reconciliation (e.g., attorneys, judges, therapists, friends, relatives). Especially when a no-fault approach was taken on either party’s part to grant the separation, the legal procedure that reverses that agreement will not be about proving fault, rather about the actual reversal of the decision to live apart.
Though Alabama, Mississippi, and Texas are among the states that do not require a marriage license for a person to file for legal separation, they also do not recognize common-law marriages in the same manner. In those states, it is vital to obtain a marriage license before fully reversing a legal separation.
In some states legal separation is expressly defined; in others there is no separate law about legal separation. It is assumed there is a legal separation until a divorce is final. In states that have specific laws about legal separation, the term often includes the procedure one must take to obtain a divorce should the legal separation period expire without reconciliation. Some require residency in the state for a certain number of days prior to filing, while others use only the date of filing as a marker of a specific length of legal separation. Additionally, degrees of separation may be provided for. In some court systems, there is no option for legal separation. This gets complicated rapidly, but are other issues can get in the way of reconciliation provided for in each individual state, as well as some exceptions in Federal laws about marriage.
One thing most people do not realize until it happens to their family is the long-term presence of their prior marriage in the legal system. When people are married and later divorced, the marriage record is maintained by the county where the marriage took place, as well as in the county where the divorce occurred. An annulment alters the marriage record, but not necessarily the divorce record. In some cases, like a dissolution, only the dissolution record remains. The following example illustrates the problem:
Scenario: When Amelia married Peter she resided in Chicago. Fourteen years passed in which they bought a house in Atlanta, had three children, and later separated. The couple "unwed" physically but remained financially dependent, hoping to reconcile yet again.
A few years later, after both Amelia and Peter had decided they could never be reconciled and wanted to move forward, Amelia found herself unemployed and in need of public assistance because she did not make enough to make ends meet. She applied, and was granted benefits under public assistance laws in her state. Unfortunately, year after year, they continued to arrive both at her home and to the public assistance office at the same address.
Amelia and Peter had no documentation to confirm their marital status at the time they applied for divorce several times. However, there were, in fact, four records of that divorce on file with the court where they had filed twice in the past.
Therefore, their legal status had changed three times if Amelia was still on Peter’s insurance (unlikely since she had ever used public assistance), but possibly four times, if a dissolution had occurred. Amelia had, however, never filed any legal change of status documents with the courts, which sometimes meant she owed child support in arrears, had no child-support order establishing the amount of support, and had to pay a portion of Peter’s medical bills for the last six years while also receiving public assistance.
This is a complicated route with many obstacles along the way. The very first step should always be to contact an attorney who is familiar with the laws in your jurisdiction, for their guidance during this process.
How to Reconcile Emotionally and Practically
Emotional and Practical Considerations: After deciding to legally separate, some couples will choose to reconcile and live together again. In Pennsylvania, you have to consider how the reunification will affect your marital status. Living again as husband and wife may prevent the couple from becoming divorced in the future. There is also the financial dynamic to consider when a couple decides to live together during the reconciliation period. If one person makes less money than the other, that person may be financially dependent on the wealthier spouse to support them both. When a couple starts living together again, the couple must decide whether they are going to divide household expenses or keep separate bank accounts while one party continues to support the other.
When thinking about whether to reconcile, it is important to consider your emotional state. Are you really ready to get back together again? Have you truly forgiven each other, or do you find yourselves arguing about the same issues that broke you up in the first place? Have you given the relationship enough time to realize what you want? Sometimes it takes more than six months or a year for the initial separation to wear off and give you a realistic perspective. Also consider if you are reconciling for the right reasons. Are you happy with the progress you made as a husband and wife, or are you mainly hoping that things turn out differently now? The same is true for married couples who have reconciled after living apart. Have you really changed or do you just think you will because you don’t want to admit you made a mistake?
In addition to the emotional component, think about the practical side of living together again. When two people reconcile after having lived apart for decades, can anything between them be the same again? Going back to old habits and old routines may be hard, especially if the separation was long and the couple feels like strangers. Some people have been out of the dating scene so long, that they may not know how to date anymore. People also tend to change over the years, so there is no telling whether the changes that couple has gone through during their time apart will mesh back together when they are reunited.
Methods for Counseling and Mediation
When a couple legal separates, the potential for reconciliation may be at the back of their minds. In fact, many couples who begin the legal separation process do not intend to stay separated forever.
Those who have reached a tentative decision to reconcile may find it in their best interests to seek help during the reconciliation process. When children are involved, it is particularly important that all parties work together to find an amicable solution to parenting time, custody, and child support issues. Minnesota allows parents to ask the court to reinstate legal marriage without filing for legal divorce. This process revolves around the hopes for a better, more solidified marriage.
For couples who have only gone through the mediation process once, it makes sense to encourage them to mediate after a legal separation. Divorce may be out of the question for some couples, but that does not mean the marriage is irreparable. Mediation and counseling professionals can help by acting as neutral parties and by guiding couples through discussions surrounding the emotional and practical implications of the desired next steps.
When mediating after a legal separation, the mediator will first want to determine the reasons for the legal separation. If the couple filed for legal separation because they could not agree on their parenting time schedule or child support calculations , these matters may need to come first. Some couples may also have filed for legal separation for financial reasons, which mean they may wish to continue settlement talks in order to obtain a legal settlement before moving forward with the divorce.
If the couple has already reached a financial settlement, the mediator or counselor will likely want to discuss how the couple will transition from the legal separation into a new version of the marriage. This may involve new parenting time arrangements. In some cases, expanding the parenting time schedule involves more than simply adding in extra time with each parent. Sometimes, it also involves modifications to work schedules that are difficult for one or both parents.
Counseling and mediation professionals may also seek to determine whether there is anything inherently wrong with the marriage that should be permanently fixed or addressed. This will vary by case. In any case, however, the mediator will help both parties to determine the following:
In some cases, the couple may determine that counseling is necessary after the reconciliation. Couples who begin the process of moving back toward each other often experience many difficulties as they deal with their remaining emotions, conflicts, and tension. Counselors can help them walk through the difficult moments and toward a fresh start.
Communication Techniques for Reconciliation
Successful reconciliation following a period of legal separation requires that you and your spouse have open lines of communication. Without clear expression of feelings, thoughts, wants and needs, the risk of a return to conflict is heightened. It can be nerve-wracking to face a spouse in a conciliatory frame of mind — but real progress can’t occur without honest efforts to share thoughts.
The magic words that set the tone for productive marital dialogue are, "This is how I feel, this is what I need." Neither, "I blame you for…", nor, "You are wrong about…" are likely to bring about positive change.
To facilitate healthier relationship dynamics, keep the following strategies in mind:
Whether you’ve just walked away from the dark days of legal separation or are within the process, the guidance of an experienced counselor provides valuable support to the healing process.
Case Scenarios and Practical Examples
Reconciliation After Legal Separation: Lessons from Real Life
While the media often highlights only high-profile separations that end in divorce, there are countless other cases where couples reconcile despite the challenge of legal separation. For instance, Lisa and Mike, who underwent a legal separation to help them evaluate their relationship and improve communication. After living apart for several months, they realized that their issues were not insurmountable. They discovered that with better conflict resolution strategies and mutual respect, they could be a happy couple. As they went through the legal steps to end their separation, they also sought counseling to rebuild trust and understanding.
Another example comes from Tom and Sarah, who have been legally separated for over a year. While the decision was difficult, both found that the process improved their ability to co-parent their two young children. They enlisted the help of a mediator to set up a new visitation schedule and divide expenses fairly. Thanks to their calmer interaction, they have reduced the stress that divorced parents face. Their case serves as an example that post-separation relationships can be constructive and focused on the greater good.
Indeed, legal separation is not always a precursor to divorce. Sometimes, it acts as a necessary catalyst for change. Whether it leads to a rekindled relationship like that of Lisa and Mike or a new civil working paradigm like Tom and Sarah, many couples have found harmonious resolutions after legal separation. By examining their cases, we can compile valuable lessons from those who have been through the process.
Possible Obstacles and Solutions
Potential challenges
Successful reconciliation is not always guaranteed for couples who have experienced a legal separation. Common challenges that might be experienced during the reconciliation process include:
• Resentments
• Siloing concerns
• Lack of engagement
• Power games
• Avoiding intimacy
• Difficulties sharing responsibility within the relationship
• Lack of trust
• Poor communication
• The perception of one person being selfish or selfish
• Inconsistent reliability
• Limited effort
• Perpetual drama
• Lack of compassion
• Victimization
• Shame
• Engaging in patterns
• Low tolerance for discomfort.
There is no doubt that partnering with a professional can assist with the removal of these barriers to reconciliation. There are things that those in the process of reconciliation can do themselves to create an opportunity for a successful outcome.
Resentments, for example, can be addressed by talking openly about why the relationship broke down and the hurt both partners experienced . This also means admitting what each partner did to contribute to the breakdown and listening sincerely to what hurts the other. Silos are a natural human reaction to feeling threatened.
It is crucial for partners to understand that the silos they build separate them from each other. Each has to be sufficiently motivated to work over time to remove the silos, while avoiding defensiveness. This may be aided by each partner focusing on what is good about the other and on what made partners fall in love with each other in the first place. Finding common areas of interest beyond the relationship — such as family, hobbies, and volunteer opportunities — can bring partners back together and turn a couple’s focus away from their own unhealthy behaviours.
Engaging a couple’s community support structure is equally important for navigating a relationship after a legal separation. Many popular social and religious organizations offer support for couples who want to reconcile. Communities of faith, in particular, encourage reconciliation and recovery for couples.